This year has seen a new celebrity big brother ( I don’t know why they call it celebrity big brother as they’ve all failed to do anything amazing with just one exception which I’ll come to later). To help those like myself who are cultured, enlightened people who don’t like crap celebrity gossip I will be giving my own unique view of these people and what they’ve failed to achieve.
I’ll start with Michael Madsen. As I mentioned earlier there was one exception to the rule that they have failed to do anything amazing with his life and this man is it. The reasoning behind this is that he started in one of the best films of the last 20 years which was Reservoir Dogs. This film was made by Quentin Tarrentino and in this he played the mentalist that was Mr Blond. His most famous scene was chopping off the policeman’s ear and I can only hope that this is repeated in order to increase what will be another dull reality TV show that after this is finished I will forget about as its on channel 5.
Next is Sonia from Eastenders (I don’t care for her real name) and she is the start of my cynical and fairly bitchy analysis of their failed careers. Having stared in eastenders (the most depressing TV in the universe) I’m surprised that she has not yet tried to kill herself after having to act (I use this word very lightly) the story lines of miscarriage, suicide and incest love (or what ever they do. It might as well be set in someones stomach for all I care.) but here she is on our tv screens again in something equally as rubbish but on a channel that is watched by lonely women or horny men. This means that she is likely to have ‘act’ her way through this in order to reach this point that she is acceptable to the viewing public which will take an awful lot as she’s never been able do this in her entire life so far.
Target number 2 is Frankie Cocozza who’s famous for taking cocaine whilst on xfactor and was thrown out because of this. Despite his apparent addiction he is fairly fat and comes across as a bit of a c**t from the outset. Before entering the house it claimed he slept with 90 women which is probably untrue but a fact they do not point out is that he probably has a cock the size of a super small grape or apple seed. This all I can say about him as he his a genuine nobody.
Number 3 is the twins who have slept with Hugh Hefner. They are famous for this and just this and are likely to sleep with some moron like Frankie or the next person to be analysed which is…
Kirk from TOWIE has entered the house as he is not content with being on the telly on a constant basis he has now made an attempt to extent his trade of reality tv to a new piece of crap that has managed to resurrect its self like some sort of mythical being that people believed was god. He said he planed to take other people clothes off which, don’t quote me on this, may constitute as sexual assault.
Natasha Giggs has joined the ranks of the bb people and the only thing she has actually done is sleep with Ryan Giggs. Im pretty sure she will talk about there sex life and it’s utter lack of surprise as every body already knows about it.
There is Andrew from pineapple express who seems like a genuine person and is very camp at the same time. If I do end up watching it it will be him that I will like the most as he might the nicest guy in there. Or I’ll hate him but then again I hate most things.
Romeo is my next person and he was in so solid crew who had one top ten hit and then split up amongst arrests. He says he will represent those from a council estate but I’m
pretty sure that even them will hate him just on the basis he wears a suit and can form a coherent sentence.
Gareth was a rugby player and has managed some amazing achievements in his life time but here he is and this has the full potential to ruin a perfectly good reputation. I hope it doesn’t but it is absolutely bound to if he does something stupid.
Nicola McLean has entered the house as yet another piece of tart to try and get the rating up as well as one of the men’s attentions. Shes famous for appearing on page 3 over 300 times which now counts as a career and not a cheap form of prostitution apparently. She joins with the twins as being models and it’s becoming a trend with everything that is channel 5 to be just a load of crap with a half naked woman in it.
The second to last Contestant does not buck this trend and it’s Georgia Salpa who is famous for getting undressed (a real classy show has been made here with over half either planning to or has been payed to get undressed). She can also have the claim of sleeping with Callum Best. Alongside many other women that have inhabited an area with in five miles of were ever he may be. She does look like Kim Kardashian which is not a massively good thing as she’s only famous for making a sex tape. She is likely to get the boot later then most of the others as she will more then likely spend a lot of time in the showers in order to get perverts to keep her in.
The last person to enter the house was Denise Welch who is from Coronation Street (a happier version of eastenders) and occasionally ends up on loose women. She is looking forward to it and said it was going to be like a big party but by the way they’ve chosen the contestants channel 5 wants it to be a big televised orgy.
So this is your guide to a TV program that we will not watch and will likely be ignored by a vast majority of the intelligent people of our nation. I doubt this as they are a minority but still I can live in hope as I have done for most of these set of occasions